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Saturday, 11 July 2009

so a new position opened up where i would be knee-deep in brokenness pretty much 7 days a week. we're talking homeless, alcoholics, terminally-ill, sex addicts, eating disorders.

it's officially advocacy but in reality a lot more about counseling.

in a way, it's what energizes me. i always feel the irony of seeing the detritus of this world as some sub-strata we have to help out. i don't think the broken can be helped by anyone other than someone who has also had his/her back broken in some way. i think my past experiences were specifically given to enable me to dive deep into the muck and mire of this world.

but a huge part of me is frightened to death. though i like pouring out my resources for that "sub-strata", it was always from the safe distance of a corporate person. i feel safe behind my profession. i feel safe behind my makeup and nice clothes, swooping in a couple of times a week or writing a big check. to make it a vocation, even if only for a year, means stripping myself of a lot of my safety gauze. it means caring even less about what the world values and living fully in the story being written for me without looking wistfully about me.

sometimes i wonder why i'm called to do this. why couldn't i be the person called to be the faithful CEO of a corporation and to have a bright, clean house full of children and happy dogs? why do i have to be an example of this type of radical living?

and then i think of how much joy has been overflowing in my life even as i've been emptied over and over again this past month, sitting through lots of hard times with lots of hurting people.

so. we'll see. there's a pebble of immutable truth in my heart that tells me that i don't have anything to fear. that giving more emotional, financial and chronological bandwidth than i think i have will be overwhelmingly life-giving. that's the thing about God -- the way up with him is always the way down. no other way. so, God, just show me what you've got.

Wednesday, 08 July 2009

is 1.5 hours enough time to cook dinner for 6? i hope so.

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oooh. not that i need any new projects, but the lovely art from this etsy site makes me want to take up watercolors:

(from http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5720667)

Tuesday, 07 July 2009

"We can’t do battle with evil without letting God destroy the evil in us as well. The world is far too intertwined." Paul Miller

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i was re-listening to tim keller's sermon titled "how to pray" this weekend.

i'm fascinated by prayer b/c everyone, no matter what his/her religious beliefs, does it at some point. particularly in times of panic. is it just an utterance into the void, hoping that desperate words will catch some stronger power's ear? do animals pray?

tk described it as communing with the infinite God. we pray not to get things, but to interact, to build intimacy with something so transformative and spiritually beyond us we've only felt intimations of it.

probably a hard thing to swallow if one is not spiritual to begin with. but i'm beginning to believe that everyone is spiritual in the sense that everyone yearns to escape the pedestrian and predictable. we laud those who take risks and live radically. we want to be caught up in a force that takes us out of the lather, rinse and repeat of daily life. spoken or not, we want a spiritual, transformative encounter.

it's just when the spiritual is defined as a specific God who orchestrated specific events in history and in our own lives that we suddenly balk. much easier to believe the God of our imaginations. but i have yet to meet anyone who has had a truly "spiritual" encounter with the God of their own understanding. when i pray w/o first settling in my mind who exactly it is i'm praying to, i feel like i'm just tossing coins into the air, hoping that some invisible hand in the sky will reach out and grab it. not very promising or confidence-building.

so true prayer, prayer that builds intimacy and that permanently changes our lives, is only possible when it is directed towards a real and specific God. to be resolved: how do we know the real and specific God?

:)

Monday, 06 July 2009

(romantic, but too foggy for us to see the fireworks in twin peaks. redwoods in villa montalvo.)

ate way too much animal this long weekend.

has the thought of a particular vocation ever *thrilled* you? i really enjoy the work i'm doing now. i also enjoy lawyering. and baking. and lay-counseling. but there is one thing that just makes me smile and thrills me whenever i am in the flow.

i think i may pursue it.

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so, on saturday, i went to a house party where everyone was single. on sunday, i went to a house party where everyone was not only married, but had exactly two children. the children were adorable, underfoot, dribbling various foodstuffs and generally the topic of every conversation. we would begin with michael jackson and somehow end with the value of using kamut when introducing your toddler to starches. the singles party, in contrast, was your typical mating game. ;) it would've been awesome to see a mashup. toddlers make great ice breakers and there're few things that get female hearts fluttering than men doting over a gurgling baby.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

(from http://bakerella.blogspot.com/2008/01/dont-lick-bite.html)

i'm on a cakeball high..i've made them for my dinner party last week, then for r.'s bbq and will make them again for another bbq this weekend. so easy -- crumble up cake with frosting, shape into balls and dip into melted chocolate. lollipop stick optional.

fourth of july! i heart holidays. or really, any reason to celebrate. i used to carry around emergency birthday candles in my handbags b/c you never know when an impromptu gathering will require some candles. :)

in light of the hyper censorship activity occurring in north korea, iran and china, i am doubly thankful for the freedoms we so often take for granted in the us. particularly as i've gotten more involved in local politics, i'm amazed that this crazy experiment in self-rule continues to be as successful (arguably) as it has been.