so a new position opened up where i would be knee-deep in brokenness pretty much 7 days a week. we're talking homeless, alcoholics, terminally-ill, sex addicts, eating disorders.
it's officially advocacy but in reality a lot more about counseling.
in a way, it's what energizes me. i always feel the irony of seeing the detritus of this world as some sub-strata we have to help out. i don't think the broken can be helped by anyone other than someone who has also had his/her back broken in some way. i think my past experiences were specifically given to enable me to dive deep into the muck and mire of this world.
but a huge part of me is frightened to death. though i like pouring out my resources for that "sub-strata", it was always from the safe distance of a corporate person. i feel safe behind my profession. i feel safe behind my makeup and nice clothes, swooping in a couple of times a week or writing a big check. to make it a vocation, even if only for a year, means stripping myself of a lot of my safety gauze. it means caring even less about what the world values and living fully in the story being written for me without looking wistfully about me.
sometimes i wonder why i'm called to do this. why couldn't i be the person called to be the faithful CEO of a corporation and to have a bright, clean house full of children and happy dogs? why do i have to be an example of this type of radical living?
and then i think of how much joy has been overflowing in my life even as i've been emptied over and over again this past month, sitting through lots of hard times with lots of hurting people.
so. we'll see. there's a pebble of immutable truth in my heart that tells me that i don't have anything to fear. that giving more emotional, financial and chronological bandwidth than i think i have will be overwhelmingly life-giving. that's the thing about God -- the way up with him is always the way down. no other way. so, God, just show me what you've got.
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